Dream Board

 

Just wanted to share…this is my dream board. I recenlty became a Scentsy consultant and they are always talking about staying motivated with a dream board. This board is a place where you put goals for yourself. No matter how unreachable or easy reachable. It can be handwritten, cut out pictures, drawings, whatever! As you can see I have a section that i called “I’m a LOSER” and it is my count down to my goal weight. Then I have things for my Scentsy and things for regular life, like Disneyland Annual Passes and Get Pregnant (with twins please). I  really excited about this board and just wanted to share!

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Can I get a little support??

Back in 2007 I was diagnosed with PCOS. I wasn’t too worried about it back then. Eventhough we wanted to have kids, I was like, “I’ve for time, I’m still young.” Then next thing I know, I am 31 and feeling the clock BREATHING down my neck!
I never looked up much info about PCOS. Just trusted what my doctors told me. But in the last couple of weeks, after my 6th failed Clomid treatment, I decided that I needed to look into this some more. First and foremost, I wanted to find a group (or two) for support. I had been feeling so alone since I didn’t know anyone else who had PCOS. Friends and family, who don’t have it, try to say encouraging things that just make me feel worse. So I found two Facebook pages that I like a lot. They are:

https://www.facebook.com/pcosfight

AND

https://www.facebook.com/pcosdiva

I have enjoyed reading the threads and feel a little more that I finally belong somewhere.

Being apart of these groups have opened a lot of doors as far as natural ways to get control of PCOS.

To be continued…

Does this hurt ever stop?

Oh my heart hurts so bad today..but its my fault I guess. I was reading a bunch of stuff about infertility and I guess I got myself all worked up. And I have come to the conclusion that Facebook is the worst place to be when struggling with infertility. I was doing “okay” seeing pictures of old friends’ babies and others announcing they are pregnant…ultrasounds, swollen bellies, and pics of newborns…OK I wasn’t doing great, but I guess the straw that broke the camel’s back is seeing all the post of my sister-in-law and mother-in-law raving about the new addition coming soon. How “shopping for my first grandchild is so much fun”….

How selfish do I sound right now. But it is just so hard to be happy for the new addition. If anything, its just salt in the wound. I know I can’t listen to those negative thoughts and I have to combat them..just sometimes I am just too tired to “put on the brave face.” Sometimes I want to cry…sometimes I just need that release.

But I can say that this week I came accross a verse that totally changed my thought life. For a while now I have been questioning where God was? Why has He left me…why wasn’t He listening? Then I decided to take a hot bath and pull out my devotional called Solo by The Message (amazing, life changing devoted BTW). I had not opened it in months. That days devoted was in Psalm 34. I read it over a few times and after the 5th time of reading it verse 18 HIT me!

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

That was it! That was my new weapon against those thoughts of doubt. It has turned thing around for me. That’s not to say that I don’t hurt…obviously. And I still question God why…and still get angry at Him…but there is now a peace in knowing and feeling that He is close to me and He will rescue me.

The hurt is real, but I have confidence that God has me on this perfect path for a reason.

Can’t do this on my own

1 Peter 5:7 NLT

Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.

This weekend I started my period, which just confirmed that fact that I really am NOT pregnant. Its hitting me harder this time around. I have cried A LOT the last few days. Just dealing with feelings of defeat, hopelessness, and anger. I feel like I don’t  know where to go from here. Going to the next round of treatments is gong to be expensive and not something that we can just jump right into. I don’t know how we are going to come up with the money. I am looking into acupuncture now. My mom knows a lady, who after just one session, got pregnant. She was going through infertility treatments before with no results. A year later she heard about acupuncture and tried it, and obviously it worked. Its a while lot cheaper than the hormone treatments, what can I lose? Anyway, so then I also started thinking about adoption. I am just so overwhelmed with it all and so heart-broken that I don’t know what to do.

But then tonight, I just lost it (and I am sure my husband did too). I was just so upset. I just couldn’t understand how God wasn’t listening to my prayers, yet answer everyone else’s. I was praying with SO MUCH passion and faith, what was I doing wrong? Then I read the verse in 1 Peter. I now realize that all this time, eventhough I have been praying to Him, I still wasn’t giving it to Him. “Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.” He doesn’t want me to hurt and be upset about this whole situation. He doesn’t want me to worry about it. He just wants me to let go and give Him full control. Which is so hard for me becuase I am a control freak. Plus, this whole time, I thought I was giving it over to Him, but I am realizing that I never really gave it all to Him. And my prayers were only happening when I was wanting something. I wasn’t coming to him becuase I wanted to spend time with Him; I was coming to Him like a spoiled little girl screaming at Him about what I wanted and when I wanted it. What kind of relationship is that? I know He isn’t punishing me for my behavior. He was just waiting for me to stop my hissy fit and be quiet so that I could hear His still small voice, which was saying, “Give Me all your worries, I’ve got this. You just have to let it go. I know what I am doing. Trust me.”

You know I thought that being a wife to a pastor, I would have known all this…and I did, but when it comes crunch time and the fire gets hot, I lost it. But the great thing is knowing that God’s grace is there and He will always be there with open arms ready to hold me. I am still upset and hurting, but I am glad that I can take comfort in knowing that He cares about me! I will get through this…together with Him.

Empty handed..well, I should say, empty uterus..

So, I am sad to say, I am not pregnant. I hate these progesterone suppositories and how they lie to your body! Last round I didn’t feel as pregnant as I did this time. Ugh..so frustrating becuase we know FOR SURE that, I had THREE eggs, 22 million sperm, and that I ovulated…so what the heck happened?!

Its so hard to keep my chin up..or to even feel like God even cares about me. Its this constant inner battle of 1) knowing God loves me and has a perfect plan for me and 2) that God hates me and/or I have done something to upset Him (or haven’t done enough to make Him happy). I know the second part is not the truth, but it keeps popping in my mind. But I keep thinking about the verse, “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.


Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. Isaiah 41:10 NLT.”

We will get through this! Just the next round is going to be more expensive. We will have to move on the the injectable hornones. First off, I hate the idea of giving myself shots! But what scares me most is that I was told that the meds cost $1 per ml. I had one friend do 165ml a day for 10 days!!! Yikes! Plus the cost for the ultrasounds and bloodwork. I am looking into a website that helps you fundraise for things like this. I have to find out just how much we need to raise. We will be meeting with the doctor again, next week, to get all the info on the next round. I will keep you posted.

Some people just don’t get it..

So last night, my husband’s mother called and again asked, “So, how is the baby stuff going.” And continued to tell him that we should just take a break from the fertility becuase it is too stressful. Within the SAME breath she said that we should starting looking into fostering children. Oh my gosh, this woman is so delusional. I know a few families that are fostering and they say, as rewarding as it is, the stress is unbelievable.

We are keeping a lot of people in the dark on what is going on becuase for me, its just too much pressure. I only want me, my husband and MY mom in the “know”. My mom is supportive and never tells me what to do. She just always asks how she can pray. Where his mom is critical of everything I do and tells him what he should be making me do. So with all her negativity, we decided to leave her out of the loop this round of treatments.

I find out tomorrow if I am pregnant and if I am, we are not going to share the news until I am done with the first trimester. Don’t worry, i will be sharing it with all of you!! You are my secret keepers!! I am so nervous. I so need this test to be positive!! At 26 years old, a negative pregnancy test was no sweat, feeling like I had all the time in the world. But at 31, my clock is ticking and it is counting down! So keep your fingers crossed! And here’s to hoping I am pregnant with twins.

I dream a little dream…

So last night was a rollercoaster of emotions. In the first dream i was taking like 10 at home pregnancy test and all but one were positive. Then the next dream I took 8 take home test and all were negitive. Next I got a call from the doctor’s office and the nurse was giving me all kinds of test results and then at the end says, “Oh, and congratulations, your pregnant.” Arg! Waking up to all the uncertainty has really put a damper on my day. I can’t get motivated to do anything. The house is a mess but i just can’t get off the couch. My heart hurts so bad for a baby. My arms ache to hold MY child!!

I am still having slight cramping and I am starting to have breast tenderness, but is it just from the progesterone? So many unknowns. I know that it is only 4 days away till I take my pregnancy test, but still…i am getting restless everyday.

The not knowing is really getting to me. My only saving grace is my husband. He has been trying his hardest to pick up the slack around the house. He’s being super supportive, even in my freak out break downs. He is sacrificing so much for me. Tuesday he is starting a second job to help us get back on since I quit my job. All I want more than anything is to give him a child for all of this! I feel broken.

Waiting…

Well, its only been a week since my insemination…it is going by so slow. I won’t find out until next week if I am pregnant. It hosnetly feels like it has been a month since last Wednesday. Plus I am on progesterone suppositories twice a day, so I have been laying around most of the day. Otherwise, its just a mess.
Its hard not to think about it either! With all the progesterone, it mimics the pregnancy signs. So I have been tired and having breast tenderness. I’ve not been as irritable though. Sigh, yet I still have to wait.
I know I shouldn’t be looking at baby stuff, but i can’t help it. I even looked at the Chinese calendar to see what I am predicted to have. We have been praying for a boy and the matches what was predicted. I don’t want to get my hopes up, but it is so hard!!!
Pray for me! 🙂

Adventures in the land of fertility (part two)

The day had finally come…IUI. When we first were told that we would have to do IUI, I was heart-broken. I wanted more than anything to sorta have a normal conception. To me, I never envisioned that the moment that my husband and I created a child, would we be accompanied by a doctor and a nurse. The whole image bothered me. Yet, today was nothing like that.

Once we got in the exam room, and got read for the procedure, my husband prayed over me, my body, and the procedure. We were keeping our faith in the promises from God and ready to go to the next step. Our nerves were calmed once the nurse came in with our “swimmers” and they were in the very high numbers. So my husband performed well! Now the pressure is on me.  Once the doctor came in (BTW, he, by far, is the best doctor and is a total God-sent!), the mood was light, happy and super hopeful! My husband stood next to me holding my hand while the doctor placed the catheter through  my cervix and into my uterus. This was something that I thought would be painful, but I didn’t feel anything.
My husband and I kept squeezing each other’s hands and smiling. This wasn’t what I expected. I was so happy in that moment..the moment that we may have created a child. It didn’t matter anymore that it wasn’t the old-fashioned way…it was just the fact that it was happening.

Once it was done, I had to lay there for 10 minutes. So, again, we took that time to pray again. In every step of the way, we will constantly be giving it to God. There isn’t a moment that goes by that I don’t send a prayer up for a baby, and it’s not going to change when we get pregnant. God is in control and I can’t forget that.

Today was a great day and I am thankful that God gave us pease today. Can’t wait to see what is in store.

Adventures in the land of fertility (part one)

So today is the day for my IUI (intrauterine insemination). I am surprised how well i slept last night. I was anxious last night, but now feel pretty good.

The adventure started at 6am. You see we decided that my husband would “collect” at home, and there is a solution that needs to be in the refrigerator up to an hour before collection. So needless to say, we had to get up early just to take the vial out of the fridge. I could sense that my husband was worried. He even told me that he is worried that he wouldn’t be able to perform well. He was worried that this was the only thing that he needed to do and he didn’t want to mess up.

Fast forward to the drive to the doctor’s office. Never has there been so much traffic! And we had a time sensitive package that needed to be delivered with in 30 minutes of collection…sigh. We were stressing out. We got there with a minute to spare!
Now, I am sitting here at Starbucks trying to relax. My part doesn’t happen for another hour. Feeling OK.

To be continued…